Overcommunication and Autism: Why You Might Feel the Need to Explain Everything
Have you ever sent a message and then immediately felt the need to send another one explaining what you meant?
Maybe you give a lot of background information, clarify your intentions, or replay conversations afterward wondering if the other person understood you correctly. For some autistic people, communication can start to feel less like simply expressing yourself and more like making sure there is no possibility of being misunderstood. This is sometimes described as over-communication. It is not a clinical symptom of autism, but it can develop after years of feeling misunderstood, misread, or expected to communicate in a way that does not come naturally.
What Overcommunication Can Look Like
Overcommunication does not always mean talking a lot. It can look like:
Giving a lot of context before getting to the point
Explaining why you made a certain decision
Repeating the same idea in different ways
Adding disclaimers so you do not come across as rude
Sending follow-up messages to clarify what you meant
Apologizing when you are not sure if you did something wrong
Replaying conversations afterward
Feeling uneasy when someone responds with something short like “okay”
Usually, there is a reason behind it: you want to be understood correctly.
Why Autism Can Make This Feel Necessary
Autistic communication is often described as if the difficulty exists only within the autistic person. In reality, communication problems can happen because autistic and non-autistic people may interpret social cues and communication differently. Milton’s (2012) double empathy problem suggests that misunderstandings between autistic and non-autistic people can go both ways. Research has also found that autistic adults can communicate very effectively with other autistic adults, particularly when they share similar communication styles (Crompton et al., 2020). If you have repeatedly been told that you are too direct, too quiet, too detailed, hard to read, or that your tone “came across wrong,” it makes sense that you might start adding more explanation. You may have learned that being misunderstood can have consequences.
When Overexplaining Becomes Part of Masking
For some autistic people, overcommunication can also become part of masking or camouflaging. Masking involves consciously or unconsciously changing the way you communicate or behave in order to meet social expectations (Hull et al., 2017). This can include monitoring eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, or what you think you are supposed to say. Research suggests that autistic adults may spend a great deal of energy monitoring social interactions and adjusting how they respond (Cook et al., 2022).
Overexplaining can become part of that process.
Instead of simply saying: “I can’t come tonight.” You might feel the need to explain everything that happened that day, why you are tired, why you originally thought you could make it, and why cancelling does not mean you do not care. The explanation is often not really about the event. It is about preventing the other person from interpreting you negatively.
Anxiety Can Make It Stronger
Anxiety can add another layer. If uncertainty is uncomfortable, it can be hard to leave a conversation alone when you are not sure how the other person interpreted it.
You might start thinking:
Did I sound rude?
Are they upset with me?
Should I explain what I meant?
What if they think I do not care?
Sending another message can bring temporary relief. But sometimes that leads to another round of overthinking: Was that too much? Did I make it worse? Should I explain again?
Over time, communication can start to feel exhausting.
When Being Detailed Starts to Feel Like Pressure
There is nothing wrong with being detailed. Many autistic people genuinely prefer clear, precise communication. The issue is when explaining yourself starts to feel less like a choice and more like something you have to do in order to feel safe. Research on autistic camouflaging has found that masking can come with significant emotional and mental costs, including greater psychological distress (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019; Cook et al., 2021). Constantly thinking about how you are coming across can take a lot of energy. You may leave conversations feeling drained, analyze them for hours afterward, or worry that you need to communicate perfectly in order to avoid being misunderstood.
Learning That You Do Not Have to Explain Everything
The goal is not to force yourself to communicate less.
Instead, it can help to notice the difference between: “I am explaining this because I want to.” and “I am explaining this because I am scared of what they will think if I do not.”
Before adding another paragraph or sending another follow-up message, you might ask yourself:
Have I already said what needs to be said?
Am I giving context because it is useful, or because I am anxious?
Do I actually know that this person is upset with me?
Can I tolerate not knowing exactly what they think?
Sometimes more explanation really is helpful. The goal is simply to have more choice.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy can help you understand where the need to overexplain comes from and whether it is actually serving you. For autistic clients, this should not be about teaching someone to communicate in a more “normal” way. It can instead focus on identifying which communication strategies feel authentic and which ones developed because you learned that your natural way of communicating was not acceptable.
Cognitive behavioural therapy can also help explore beliefs such as:
If they misunderstand me, I have done something wrong.
If someone is upset with me, I need to fix it immediately.
I need to explain myself perfectly.
The goal is not perfect communication. It is learning that being misunderstood does not automatically mean you communicated badly. Sometimes, “No, I can’t make it tonight” really can be enough.
References
Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x
Cook, J., Crane, L., Hull, L., Bourne, L., & Mandy, W. (2022). Self-reported camouflaging behaviours used by autistic adults during everyday social interactions. Autism, 26(2), 406–421. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613211026754
Cook, J., Hull, L., Crane, L., & Mandy, W. (2021). Camouflaging in autism: A systematic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 89, 102080. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2021.102080
Crompton, C. J., Ropar, D., Evans-Williams, C. V. M., Flynn, E. G., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704–1712. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361320919286
Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on my best normal”: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5
Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The “double empathy problem.” Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008
Sasson, N. J., Faso, D. J., Nugent, J., Lovell, S., Kennedy, D. P., & Grossman, R. B. (2017).
Neurotypical peers are less willing to interact with those with autism based on thin slice judgments. Scientific Reports, 7, 40700. https://doi.org/10.1038/srep40700
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